Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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