hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
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