He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
