Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
