"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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