omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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