My liver just broke up with me...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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