my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
