what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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