david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
