when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
