Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
