That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Your cock deserves a montage
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Please don't give away my fajitas
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
