Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we're making bets on your personal life
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
