just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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