im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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