this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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