I want to have your abortion
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Randomize
