Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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