I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There's always time for handjobs
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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