I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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