my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
