why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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