I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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