I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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