I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
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