Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
