My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
