Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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