why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
