Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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