god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
