Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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