I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
