didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
