Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
