Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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