Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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