Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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