I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
