Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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