My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
