Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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