Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
