I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
