Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
