shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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