My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
