Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My vagina is officially offended.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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