Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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